THE INTRIGUING DYNAMICS OF THE SEXUAL MARKETPLACE
JOLA ADEGBITE- Afropen Collective Series.
“I watch her as she holds the world together so those around her have a safe place to fall apart.She walks into lives with grace and dignity, expecting nothing, yet giving everything. She has known heartache and tasted pain, but she uses the experiences to help others when it would b easier to give in. I just wish she could see herself through my eyes, so she would know how amazing she really is, and never again doubt the good she has done and the people she has touched with her kindness.”~Lynette Maupin
The SHE in the quote above is me...
Hi Everyone,
I'm Adegbite Abosede Jolaoluwa, but you can call me Jola, for short.
I've been here for a while, but this will be my first piece on this platform.
I'm a proud Nigerian, and I'm a tad eccentric too.
Occasionally, I get steamy, other times you could find me conservative.
Sometimes I am a patriarchal princess, other times, I am a bitter feminist.
Sporadically, I can be a therapy for your soul, but don't be surprised when I flip just to become a
thorn in your flesh.
People say I come off as an unpredictable bundle of contractions. But hey, that's me.
Once in a while, I'd be writing to you based on my understanding of the happenings around me
and experiences in life. While I do this, I'd also like to see life through your lens. I know acute
differences will exist, but I live for both positive and negative remarks. Just don't attack my
person.
On this journey with me, I can't guarantee you a smooth ride, but I can guarantee you of making
this as interesting as I can.
Leave me kind words if you can.
A thumbs up also counts.
A hit on the subscribe button is also a win for me. Just do something...
Thank you.
Now, onto the business of the day...
Maybe it's just me, but I think one of the downsides of emancipation from mental slavery that we
don't talk about enough is, how in our most 'detached and enlightened' mind, we still
unconsciously nurture and embody the psyche we claim we are liberated from. This mostly
rears its head in our most covert to our most overt preferences.
Using my country, Nigeria, as a case study, the dynamics of our heterosexual relationships have
its roots in the patriarchal culture in which we are socialized. With the advent of civilization that
crept in like a thief with all its elements, you'd believe things will be gradually changing for the
better...But then, how on earth do you rationalize an instance where you log on to social media to catch
up with gists, only for your newsfeed to be desecrated with a post from a hardcore feminist
telling any lady who cares to listen not to “marry down.”
“Date up.” “Do not marry or date down.” “As a woman, be intentional and marry up...”, she
writes.
You scroll downward, only for you to see another one.
"You can tag me materialistic, I don't give 2 cents. What I know is that I can't marry a man who
is not earning at least #500,000 every month..."
A quick dig at this person's profile might leave you shocked to the marrow when you realize she
is an undergraduate who is probably earning nothing. Not only that, she could be struggling to
eat 2 square meals a day, as the little allowance she gets from her parents can barely keep her
soul and body together.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying having a standard is bad. You are free to have standards, as
long as you aren't putting anybody in harm's way by doing so. But for a multidimensionally poor
country like ours, where the highlights of the 2022 Multidimensional Poverty Index survey reveal
that: 63% of people living in Nigeria (133 million people) are multidimensionally poor, this seems
reaching.
If there is anything I've come to notice in this part of the world that I am part of, it will be that, it is
easier for a camel to pass through the thin line of a needle than for a woman to fall in love with a
man just because of his cerebral cortex and budding potential without a heavy pocket in sight.
The only time a lady will go for a lower-end man will be when she intends to use him to achieve
an agenda. This agenda ranges from using him to sponsor her education or aid her ailing family
finances. Once she is done, she dumps his ass in the most brutal way you can think of.
The average Nigerian lady is hustling to marry up. The poor one is super confident that she'll be
able to attract a man at the highest of the ladder by virtue of her fine face and, by extension, her
big bum bum. She would rather strive to “marry up” than make money. After all, it is dumb to buy
the cow when you can get the milk for free? Lol...
The rich ones aren't different, either.
Hypergamy is the in thing.
Can you blame us? No. The country is hard as fuck, our society's value system has money all
over it, so it's only natural for us to tilt towards a man who has his shits together. Who suffer
epp?
On the flip side, we all agree that “Love isn't enough, right?”Then, if our financial liberation has
to come with love, I don't think this should rile anyone.
The men, on the other hand, are distinctively different; albeit not without entrenching the core
values of patriarchy too.An average Nigerian man isn't concerned about marrying in any direction. Sideways o,
perpendicular, low, down, downward, waaaaaaay, waaaaay down. They care less. They don't
care, not necessarily because they are good people or anything, but because men generally
don't feel comfortable with richer women unless they are out on a mission to milk her.
The primary value needed in whom they regard as a good wife is not necessarily financial. A
poor Nigerian man would gladly marry a jobless lady without thinking twice, provided she is
submissive.
The average ones don't care either.
You will see a man who is classy, bourgeois, ultra-smart, ambitious and powerful in his own
right, yet he finds an equally successful woman repulsive.
Some men legit get turned off by women who are taller than they are. I am not even joking.
We've normalized seeing men who DELIBERATELY seek women who are less than they are, in
all aspects of life, intellectually, by age, financially and even educationally.
Even when a woman is willing to marry a man, she is doing better financially, the odds are not in
her favor. The man might end up resenting her if she's not quite emotionally intelligent or willing
to walk on eggshells so as to not make him feel less of a man.
Half of the time, it just doesn't end well, no matter how hard they try. Most men find it hard to
relate well with a rich woman. The territory is quite unfamiliar.
Some even take it a step further by going all out to seek women, they are doing significantly
better than financially. This is why instances where the husband of a top-tier woman in the
society impregnates a housekeeper are quite common.
They don't mind dating an undergraduate who is no match for their women in all ramifications.
Women latch onto men to build themselves. A love that doesn't come with financial liberation
isn't making sense to the average Naija babe. Calculus first before anything...
Someone even said you can't be married to a Nigerian man and claimed to be a feminist. To be
honest, I can't agree less because how on earth do you want to avoid ticking all the boxes of
official acquiescence to patriarchy that comes with African marriages?
For the men, patriarchy cannot be created nor destroyed, but it shall be preserved until thy
kingdom comes. If that marriage doesn't come with submission and domination, count them out.
How do you expect them to eat their cake and have another carton without those two?
Our sexual marketplace is a place where women uphold hypergamy unashamedly, while men
stand on the mandate of hypogamy unapologetically.
Little wonder why many marriages are plain bland! Marriages devoid of love, romance or soul
connection. Just 2 people coexisting. One pays the bills while the other rears the kids.Of course, there are exceptions, but these exceptions are quite minute, which makes their
deference to this overwhelming convention makes little or no difference.
I thought this was peculiar to Nigeria/Africa until I dated outside my race...
~Jola Adegbite